Give your brain a kick in the pants.
Calling all literate double-domes: One Up! has always been a bargain college education at only fifteen bucks a pop, but now there's absolutely FREE SHIPPING FOREVER* — No coupon code. No fine print. No B.S.
PAY ATTENTION TO THE ASTERISK.
As our way of saying thank you very much for another year in the black, we're offering free shipping on all orders, from now on, forever... with liberty and justice for all. Order any of your dream Oneupmanship fizzizzle stuff, and get it delivered on a silver platter, metaphorically speaking of course, absolutely gratis!
*Even though One Up! travels well, free shipping is U.S. only. However, our overseas rates are first class!
Brown paper packages tied up with...
... strings. For two bucks extra we'll wrap your recalcitrance up perfectly and send it to the lucky object of your affection, with a personal note — just choose the 'gift wrap' option at checkout and be sure to write something nice.
Buy brains in bulk.
If you're interested in carrying One Up! in your shop, click here for wholesale.
What would you rather be?
I was playing One Up! with some friends the other day when one of them took my ORE and put down the word "HOER". We all looked at him, with disdain. "Someone who hoes" he replied. That's the kind of grammatically correct I'm talking about.
The Perfect Cure for Stupidity
The "Smart Pills" we've been giving out as a jokey premium to our best customers have proven so popular we've decided to add them to our permanent product line. Take two and call us in the morning.
Price: 4 for $10
*Each 8-dram vial contains approximately 25 doses of oral insolence.
Are you kidding me?
We came up with this Uppityshirt literally in our sleep one night, and dreams, it seems, really do come true!
You don't have to cut off your ear to try to prove how tormented and talented you are. Your work will speak for itself, just like ours (kind of) does... Seriously, we're not doing this for the fame or fortune — we're in it for the math!
Ars gratia (Sm)artis.
Can't buy me love?
For a fab wedding I went to in town recently, I designed this Have a Ball Marriage Jar as an impish gift. Someone sly and wise told me when I got married back in '93 that should I put a penny in a jar every time we kissed the first year, and take a penny out every time we kissed after that, we'd never empty the jar. Not true!
A penny for your thoughts: some of these testimonials are almost obscenely funny.
Looking for Mr. Write?
If you've already got the perfect man, we've got the perfect gift. What are you waiting for?
Are you a "caffiend"?
Hey, Joe Lover: We're trying to have a Tee Party over here at Oneupmanship, but some people are so psycho/insane for the other stuff they won't even think about drinking anything else. BTW, there's no "X" in espresso.
Just desserts in a can.
We've just introduced our newest product Comeuppance — Just Desserts in a Can. It's the perfect devilish revenge gift for all the frenemies on your love/hate list...
Psst: Don't tell anyone we told you, but here's the secret to getting your "Comeuppance."
OPERATION BRAIN STORM
Operation Brain Storm, the initiative we started to show our gratitude to the men and women serving in the military, features our own semi-facetious Well-(Read) Uppityshirt.
Read more about our Well-(Read) Army and how you can help support the troops.
You want him on your side. Born and bred in Greenville, he's one of those guys you can always count on &¦x2014 hard like a baseball bat — when you need to get the job done. Honest and true, loves Texas. You know the type?
Lagniappes for everyone
We throw in a little something extra with just about every order — just so you don't feel like you got gypped or nothing.
Hey, big spender, sign up now!
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