Saw an article about the America's Cup yesterday, and it reminded me of a story my friend Randy Franken told me many years ago. He was working on Ted Turner's 1977 America's Cup campaign, and they were bringing Courageous on a huge tractor-trailer rig to the New York Boat Show to exhibit her and help raise funds.
They got off the George Washington Bridge and had to drive through the streets of New York City because they weren't allowed on the West Side Highway. Randy was out in the street directing the driver of the truck around a particularly tricky turn in Harlem, and the enormous gorgeous yacht was slowly, slowly inching around the corner. There were two elderly gentlemen sitting in lawn chairs on the sidewalk watching as it came into view, when one turned to the other and said, straight-faced: "I told you I wanted my boat delivered YESTERDAY."
True story. My man Randy's gone, but I still smile every time I think of him.
I was watching Mulholland Drive the other night and thought I would rerun this post from May 10, 2010:
Took the kids to a real film set yesterday — an old friend of mine was producing a movie starring Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts—so we skipped school and went Hollywood. John Penotti is President of GreeneStreet Films
and has helmed some pretty heavy-duty stuff: Prairie Home Companion, In the Bedroom, Uptown Girls and Swimfan to name a few. In the end, we had a lot of fun in the sun, met some really cool people, and learned a lot—isn't that what life's all about?
Speaking of endings, we were talking about our favorite final film scenes of all time with one of the gaffers and came up with this short list:
1. Planet of the Apes
2. The Verdict
3. Carrie
4. Iron Man
5. Easy Rider
Why don't you send in your pick for Best Ending Ever and we'll choose one at random to receive a game of One Up!
We pride ourselves on being 100% Made in the USA, and have tried our best to have all of our products do justice to our great nation. From the very beginning, we have used American Apparel for all of our Uppityshirts, and have been happy with the mutually-beneficial relationship. Several things have happened at American Apparel recently, however, which have made us rethink our position, and we've decided to start using the top-of-the-line Fruit of the Loom t-shirts instead.
April 3, 2012
ALL CAPS.
I was talking with an editor friend the other day and he mentioned something about Fairfield County Ladies, in passing, and it reminded me of one of my favorite poems by e.e. cummings:
Seriously, we got a huge response and a lot of funny stuff, but Mike C. from Franklin, Massachusetts wins hands-down with this instant, slightly ribald classic:
Mianus, CT: Proctologists
Congrats, Mike, and thanks to everyone who sent in their fun but futile attempts! Stay tuned for more brain wave surfing, coming soon.
UPDATE: We've gotten so many cool entries, past the post so-to-speak, but wanted to include them anyway.
Betty Cummings from Alligator Point, FL sent in this beaut—
Washington, DC: Snollygosters
Graham Houghton, an archeologist and writer from Australia sent in these—
Thought we'd have another contest, this time to come up with clever and original sports names, for real (or fictional) teams. I always liked the Purdue Boilermakers, and the Batavia Muckdogs. I also liked the Pekin, Illinois "Chinks" but we want to keep the party polite, people. Here are some ideas off the top of my head to get the synapses firing:
"Princess cards she sends me, with her regards..."
March 8, 2012
Don't play craps like sh*t.
Or, How to cast the die like Caesar.
The first thing to remember whenever you're involved in any kind of betting situation is to not be an idiot. If you already are an idiot, try not to act like one.
Pay attention, you're about to go to school. You might even learn something for a change, something worthwhile this time. There are two basic kinds of craps— casino craps (or bank craps) and street craps, better known as "shooting dice." Actually, there are a lot more variations than that, but for simplicity sake we're going to limit our discussion to those two.
I once played a game of street craps, and I use the term "played" very loosely, in the trunk of a friend of mine's mint white Lincoln Versailles (look at that blue leather Landau roof!) in East Pawtucket, Rhode Island circa 1976, but the lessons learned from that little misadventure, for me at least, are not something I can easily convey to you champs out there today without a tire iron handy.
"Cooper and I have been grabbing a quick nap every once in a while in the woods out back on February afternoons 'made glorious summer by this sun...' Eleven bucks for the rain fly and hammock at a yard sale." Doesn't get any better.
February 16, 2012
Sailing to Byzantium New York City.
I'm not usually caught with my pants down, not intentionally anyway, but there I was with them around my ankles in the middle of the night on a deserted island when I heard it. Imagine an infuriated bull gnu snorting into a megaphone. I wheeled around incredulous, but then I heard it again. It was so loud I had to laugh. Gored to death on a desolate beach without any pants on—the comic possibilities were endless!
We finally got Oneupmanship somewhat mocked up and have started play-testing with friends. I never thought it would be so much mental effort to design and prototype a simple board game—I think it's been a casebook study in The Peter Principle. Seriously, let's roll the dice now and see how it plays!
January 23, 2012
Oneupmanship.
It's easy to talk, innit? Doesn't cost anything either. And the amount of work you don't have to do is a beautiful thing! Seriously, have you wasted your life?
We kinda have. So this year we've decided to challenge ourselves to buck up and stop squawking about how deadening and intrinsically unredemptive and dumb video games (for just one example) are, and actually do something about it. Our idea is to create a completely original board game that is the perfect antidote to the mostly mindless p.c. mush that passes for entertainment these days — smart, hard, wicked and cheeky, full of math and anxiety, money, ambition, heart and charm!
This is the innocent-enough text that began the begin.
And we're going to document the process, warts and thrill (thwarts and will?) and all, starting today.
If you're anything like us you're pretentious as hell, and don't have any self-esteem issues, but you also have a sly side. So here's what you do: put this jokey Uppityshirt on and people will think you're clever and they'll laugh right past your overweening self-absorption. Genius!
Depending on how many wordy egomaniacs there are our there, this may be a limited-edition Uppityshirt, so click here to order yours ASAP. Not. There are so many wrymeisters around it's sure to be a big-time best-seller.
We'd like to start this product launch off with a big-name quote, which we're probably going to mangle a little bit, but Shopenhauer said something like "We often mistake the limits of our vision for the limits of the world." The Official Uppity Handbook is not a book per se, but will be an on-going attempt to broaden our horizons, and maybe even teach a practical thing or two, while having fun and showing our usual cheek in a how-to sort of way.
Recalcitrance doesn't come with instructions, and is more nuance and attitude than step-by-step, but we're going to give you our impish spin on it.
Seriously, some of the stuff we're planning on showing you is pretty technical and assumes a certain level of basic education and general intelligence, so before you read on you should have at least a layman's understanding of at minimum four of the following:
Xeno's Paradox; the root cause of the War of 1812; the difference between dative and ablative (in Latin); spankers, gennys and spinnakers; how to calculate the speed of light using only a microwave oven and a kitchen timer; and, finally, 3 reasons why someone like Friedrich Schwinge preferred painting with gouache rather than water color when doing landscapes, for example—otherwise, you might feel slightly... inadequate. And you should.
Without further ado:
Brain surgery is not... rocket science.
(To start off parenthetically with an aside, brain surgery is not rocket science. That doesn't mean it's a piece of cake, but it's not like you're trying to send someone to the dark side of the moon and back or anything.)
First thing you're going to need is a patient. Preferably one with a brain tumor. If you can't find one with an actual tumor, find someone you don't like, or who's dumb anyway in case something goes wrong. As an aikido teacher I read about once very succinctly put it: sometimes you have to waste a guy to restore harmony to the situation.
Keep your eyes peeled for the debut of "The Official Uppity Handbook" — which we're going to foist upon an unsuspecting world next Wednesday, whether you like it or not! Thanks for another flambastical, fun year wordtards!
December 15, 2011
Guy walks into a bar...
The people have spoken! We're happy to say that all of the final 8 Entries did get votes, including ours (whew!), but the winner by a landslide with 68 thumbs-up is:
This is a one-off, limited-edition Uppityshirt so click here to get yours ASAP.
Congrats to P. Larry Nelson, who will receive the first one hot off the press, and to all those who entered, or sent in their votes, or who have bothered to read this far.
We are thrilled that Real Simple magazine selected One Up!® as a 'Snow-Day Staple' this year, which has inundated us with new orders. Thanks to all you word snobs/nerds/lovers for all your enthusiasm, (suggestions/corrections) and support—Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
From time to time we email out a newsletter that contains the latest goings-on, some argy-bargy from the cheap seats, as well as first-dibs on specials and discounts. It's really worth it to subscribe, and we promise not to share your name or spam you to death with irrelevant dreck.
Stuff we make
One Up!® is the ultimate mind game — it's not only faster and easier than Scrabble, it's also way harder too. Seriously, do you think you have enough intellectual soup in the kitchen, so-to-speak, to whip out the biggest words and win?
Why don't you spring for a back-to-basics, no-frills Uppityshirt — they fit even the most captious critics to a tee.
All three whelps are playing lacrosse, and every other adjective out of their mouths is "awesome", so the mental leap was small, even for us: LACRAWESOME.
The "Smart Pills" we've been giving out as a jokey premium have proven so outrageously popular we've added them to our repertoire. Dumb up today!
Top This Toponym.
We believe that words can still startle and sparkle, and have created a couple of fun brain brush-ups for you to show us how much you love them too.
The first challenge is to come up with a contemporary word derived from a place, such as Shanghai (abduct by force, from Shanghai, China), Paisley (design, from Paisley, Scotland) or Timbuktu (metaphor for a distant land, from Timbuktu, city on the Niger River in Mali), along with a definition. We're looking for originality and humor.
Our attempt:
Chicago (v) — to railroad (someone) into office
Mr. Stephen Baum from Phoenix, AZ sent us this little gem:
frisco (n) — A city ordinance making illegal traditionally unregulated activity
The frisco adopted by the City of Portland criminalizing the barbequing of red meat outdoors on Sundays was shocking even to English literature professors at Berkeley.
While we're thinking about it, this contest is kind of topical too. We're trying to rebrand our state "Connetiquette" — if you were to give yours a new name, what would you come up with?
We got the inspiration for this from a reader who said "Connec'tick'ut" was good, but she liked "Br∞klyn" even more. Ha! If you'd prefer a city or a town (since they're in the spirit of the thing), or even a country — "Japanned" comes to mind — then feel free.
Anu Garg's delightful and quixotic A.Word.A.Day is, according to the New York Times,"The most welcomed, most enduring piece of daily mass e-mail in cyberspace."
Jim and his extremely talented crew over at Coudal Partners is our role model in terms of what a website can do to fulfill a designer's dream, while completely dispensing with the idea of having to kowtow to clients, or even having any at all. Prepare to be humbled.
We'll bet Heather B. Armstrong bites. Seriously, one of the reasons we like her and her blog dooce, besides the fact that she's beautiful, smart and funny: she's a class act all the way.
"Eclectic little excerpts delivered to your email every day" from Richard Wade Vague, editor over at Delancey Place. Marvelous.
One of our favorite addictions we mean websites, which we browse daily for inspiration is fffound.com — check it out for the depth and breadth of its sometimes ungodly-gorgeous visual delights.
