The Official Uppity Handbook

Honi soit qui mal y pense.

By Timothy Cataldo

Out of the blue a young hotshot player from Harvard rang us up and said he wanted to produce our feature-film script Absinthe Man, but we're not exactly jumping for joy. I mean, he's from Harvard — what the heck do they know about making movies? But then again, who really knows anything about it?

That said, we are casting around for a few "Executive Producers" who might have what it takes to help us get this thing off the ground, like: experience, talent, money, connections, ambition, good looks — basically everything we don't have.

Seriously, here's all you need to do: Just send us an email to Hollywood Calling and we'll send out a copy of the shooting script. Which you have to read, unfortunately, since there will be a quiz.

If you like the script (and pass the test), we'll welcome you aboard with some great swag, including the Uppityshirt of your dreams, or two, a can of Comeuppance (which you're going to get anyway), as well as a year's supply of "Smart Pills— The Perfect Cure for Stupidity", even though you obviously don't need them.

Other Executive Producer "perks" will include an all-access pass to the set, as many peanut M&M's as you can eat, your name on the credit roll, 2 front-row seats to the world premiere, and the smug self-satisfied feeling that goes along with creating great art and gobs of envy.

Lights! Camera! Action!

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